I am not the kind of person to just let things happen. Many would describe me as a type "A". I have pretty much planned much of my life up to this point. I knew what courses I wanted to take in college before starting. I knew when I wanted to get engaged, be married, have a house, have a child. I knew what I wanted to do professionally and planned the steps to get there. Every summer I plan out what lessons I want to teach and art projects I want to do with my students. Having a child washes that all out the window with one fell swoop.
Last night Bryan and I decided we should put Delilah to sleep in her real crib. In her own room. By herself. Without me. I've been thinking about it for many weeks now. I thought I was mentally prepared. I didn't think it was going to be hard on me. I thought it would be hard on her. I kept coming up with excuses to put it off: She will be scared, she will not smell us (yes, I said "us" as in Bryan too, so it wasn't just for my sake), she will start wakening again in the middle of the night.
Guess what? I nursed her, Bryan swaddled her and placed her down in the crib. She turned her head, eyes closed and pursed her cute bow lips already asleep. We both did a victory dance before returning to our room where we guess how many seconds or minutes it will be till she stirs and cries out. Nothing. As we lay down, I feel this sudden rush of emotion similar to when I went back to work the first day and Delilah went to daycare. It was awful. I confessed to Bryan that I am sad, scared and worried that she is all alone. Worst of all I had a terrible nightmare about me falling asleep while changing her, and woke up in my dream with her undressed, diaper half on and crying because she was so cold.
The only upside to the dream is that I was more than willing to jump out of bed to go soothe her. As expected she woke twice in the night, once at 12:30 and again at 4am, needing to be rocked back to sleep. I came in many more times between to put the paci back in her mouth as she stirred. Both things I haven't had to do in a few weeks when she was sleeping though the night in our room. Whether or not she really needed the paci replaced doesn't matter. It was I who needed to do it.